My Story

OK, I can see there is a hunger for my story, as to the comments posted on the only "GOD" story posted on my blog. So I've decided to post my testimony on line. To give you some background to let you know where this is coming from, at one time I was a Christian clown. I have performed in maximum security prisons in Illinois and Missouri. I have performed in costume, and have had them change their minds and not let us put on our costumes and have had to perform in my street clothes and just pretend I was a clown with my troupe. When you perform, you have to come in in street clothes, set everything up, the put on your clown make-up and clothes, do your performance with a small meet and greet afterwards, and then take everything down and take off your clown make-up and put back on your street clothes to leave. Your face has to match your ID. The first time I gave my testimony it was a sort of surprise to my supervisor. I had felt lead by God to do it, and told him the morning on the trip down. I let him read it before hand, and he agreed to let me do it. I had a copy to let him read, but I had it on index cards and "performed" it. The cards were so I wouldn't forget it. It is a performance piece, but it is true. I had planned on taking off my gloves and stepping out of character and being "me" while I did it. This particular prison at the last minute decided not to allow our make-up into the prison and we performed our routines in street clothes. I came out as me and did this. This is not the EXACT piece I performed, because it has been updated to my current situation and read in my church a few years ago. But at the time that I did this in the prison system, 13 inmates came forward. No, I personally did not counsel them. A male member of the team did. So they were not coming to me personally to talk to a woman. There were men lined up to receive them. They knew they would be talking to men, and not me.

The Gift

Have you ever been given a gift for no reason, even though you didn’t deserve it? I want you to imagine this nice gift arriving because of a friend, or a family member, or a co-worker, or even someone you never met before. It’s in a nicely wrapped box, with a pretty bow on top. You’re so excited to get it ... That you take it to the back of your closet, still wrapped, stand up on tip-toe and put it on the highest shelf in the darkest corner, behind that stack of clothes that will fit someday. Maybe you think you aren’t good enough to get it, so you just don’t open it. Pretty soon you forget all about it and time passes; days turn into months that turn into years. Then something happens that clears all the clutter out of your closet and you find it. There it is, still wrapped.

Well, that’s what God did with me. He gave me a gift long before I was even born. He gave me a way to get to heaven, not because I deserved it, but just because He loves me. I found out about it from my grandma, my parents who took me to church, a friend in high school, an uncle and probably people I didn’t know and don’t remember. But I didn’t open this gift. I put it on the top shelf of the closet in my mind and forgot about it ... for 29 years.

Then God cleaned out my closet. He allowed my marriage to fail. He allowed me to accept giving custody of my special needs son to his father. He allowed my employers to make up lies in order to fire me. He allowed repressed memories of child abuse to come forward and He allowed me to remember details of sexual abuse at the age of 3. He allowed me to go to the bars every night and lose my reputation, even though it was unfounded.

My closet was now empty. No marriage, no son, no job, no reputation and memories of my childhood forever altered. All I could see was this package. I finally opened it. A gift doesn’t do you any good unless you accept it and open it. I had believed all my life that God existed. I knew that Jesus was God’s only son sent to earth to die for our sins; but I never accepted that He died for ME and MY sins. I never thought I was good enough for such a gift. Maybe I was waiting for the day I would deserve it, like waiting to get back into that size 6 dress. But one Saturday morning, through the haze of a hangover, I realized that there was something I needed to do in order to have this gift. I had to acknowledge that Jesus was MY Savior, that he died an excruciating death on the cross for me, and give Him my life. I did, then I apologized for messing that life up so badly, but it was His.
(That was 16 years ago. A year later, I got my son back. Four and a half years later I got my husband back. We now have another child and a wonderful church family. My life is not perfect. My oldest son still has Down Syndrome and has since been diagnosed autistic. I’ve fought breast cancer, and now have a seizure disorder. I still have my battles, but I no longer fight them alone.) (Updated for now.)

We’ve given you that same gift today. We’re just the deliverymen, though. The gift is from God and He gave it to you because he loves you: each and every one of you. Please don’t put this package on your top shelf. Open it today.


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At the end of my testimony I had an inmate come up to me and thank me. He told me that when we "Christians" come in to do our little performance for them they think of us as....and he hesitated. I finished the sentence for him and said, a little holier than thou? He said, "YES!" I told him, I'm just a sinner, saved by grace. I will continue to sin, because I am not perfect. I try, but I will continue to fail. I don't remember exactly what I told him, as it's been over 5 years. He impressed me; I hope I impressed him. I wouldn't change the things I've been through. God gives us the ugly so that we will know the beautiful. He has used the ugly in my life for good. I don't know how many times I have told people about the abuse in my life to have someone overhear it and say, "that happened to me, too, how did you deal with it?" And I had an opportunity to help someone. My God is awesome!

Our country was founded on God. BUT, that said, our founders wanted everyone to have the freedom to have no God if they wanted to. If you're an Atheist, you have that freedom. BUT, don't force me to be an Atheist. If I want to display the words of my founding fathers, which happen to include God, on my building, it's my right. It is not the right of anyone to include words that destroy America, that's insensitive, beyond words. But I don't mind if someone wants to display the summer solstice or winter solstice or whatever it is they celebrate. And yes, I know it's Wicca. But it's their religion. I don't force you to be a Christian. I also don't kill you because you're not a Christian. Don't kill me because I don't want to convert to Muslim. Our country is fast falling to the minority ruling the majority. Do you really think if the Atheists got control, they would allow Christians to exist? If the Muslims got control, they would allow any other religion to exist? Riddle me that. Our founding fathers left a country that was forcing a religion onto them, and now we want to go back to that, or exchange the state religion into Atheism? or Muslim? what about Frisbitarianism? I know, my clown coming out.....that's when you believe your soul goes up on the roof when you die....it's a joke, get over it.